Thursday 30 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Dentist apologises for not killing more ‘deadly’ lions


Walter Palmer

World-renowned dentist and lion murderer Walter Palmer has apologised for only killing one dangerous man-eating lion.

“By slaughtering Cecil, I reduced the chances of every man, woman and child on the planet being attacked by a lion.”

“I’m just sorry I couldn’t get more of the furry bitey bastards, and keep more people safe from the scourge of lion attacks.”

“I know my actions have attracted criticism – chiefly from people who have never been attacked by lions by the way – but if a lion got in your house, it would eat your family and shit in your bed while you cowered in the bathroom sobbing like the pansy-ass pinko hippy you are.”

“I have made that scenario ever-so-slightly less likely. And you’re welcome by the way. I think the word people are looking for is ‘hero’.”

Lion hunter

Although Mr Palmer’s actions have been largely condemned, he has received support from British Prime Minister and hunting fan David Cameron.

“It’s just city people not understanding the country ways,” he told reporters.

“Lions are pests, you’ve got to keep the population down, and the best way to do that is to send in dentists armed with golden bows and arrows.”

“It’s just one more way that hunting is fantastic.”

Mr Palmer remains defiant and plans to protect the world from attacks from a rare ornamental cockatoo by shooting it in the face with a cannon.

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