Thursday 30 July 2015

Criminals to stop doing burglaries unless police ‘keep it interesting’


If police are to stop investigating burglaries, then challenge-seeking criminals will just stop doing them altogether, according to sources today.

Head of the new National Police Chiefs’ Council, Sarah Thornton, said that budget cuts and the changing nature of criminality meant police might not have time to attend your boring home invasion.

The news has been met with dismay by burglars who claim the thrill of the chase is the only reason they break into people’s homes to steal things.

Petter thief Simon Williams told us, “Sure, we get the odd computer, tablet or tele – but really I only do it so I can outwit the police.”

“If they’re not even going to try and catch me, then what is the point, really?”

“Shooting fish in a barrel gets pretty tedious when you’re fencing you twentieth iPad that week.”

“It’s not meant to be like this. I do something wrong, and you try to catch me – that’s how the universe wants it to work, it’s how I need it to work.”

“Trust me – if you want burglary to become a thing of the past, then you’re going about it the right way, let me tell you.”

A government spokesperson explained that government cuts to police budgets were no reason for the police to investigate fewer crimes.

They said, “I don’t see what the problem is, the maths is simple – we give them less money and fewer resources, and they do more crime solving.”

“It’s basic science.”

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