Wednesday 29 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Tony the Tiger shoots dentist while on holiday in Minnesota


Tony the Tiger

Popular cereal mascot, Tony the Tiger, relaxed on holiday this week by shooting a dentist in the face with a crossbow.

The face of the nation’s favourite frosted flakes “stalked” the dentist by driving up really close to him in a jeep on Bloomington high street, before releasing a crossbow bolt into his eye from just ten feet away.

Posing with his prize (or ‘bloodied corpse’, if you want to be a massive hippy about it), Tony said, “If I had to describe that shot in one word, I’d say it was GRRRRRREAT!”

“Sorry, contractual obligation.”

“Where was I? Oh yes, it’s been a great day. Hunting really is a lost art. Sitting in a jeep, drinking beer and shooting unaware, unarmed sentient beings is the mark of a true sportsman.”

“Please don’t be under any illusions, I hunt dentists because I care about them.”

“They would stop making dentists if we didn’t continue to hunt them. That’s definitely how it works and if you disagree then you’re probably a communist.”

“I can’t wait to put this beautiful human head on my wall.”

Human Rights Activists (HRA) have been quick to condemn Tony the Tiger.

“We don’t disagree that a Tiger firing a crossbow is, objectively speaking, incredibly cool,” said a HRA spokesperson.

“But the fact is, killing living creatures is wrong. Even inconsequential dentists.”

Tony the Tiger is not expected to face any charges as he possesses the correct permits that allow him to hunt humans.

“Only $500,” grinned the tiger, “you people are really selling yourselves short.”

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