Wednesday 29 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Female Panda turns 37, declared ‘over the hill’ by celebrity magazine


The world’s oldest female panda has been described as looking ‘tired, flabby and past her best’ by a wretched-yet-popular magazine.

Anus! ran a three-page editorial slagging off Jia Jia, the world’s oldest female panda.

“At 37, she’s looking out of shape and still doesn’t have any kids” said Sylvia Twatsworth, a “journalist” from the magazine.

“Time is fast running out for Jia Jia, who cuts a fat and lonely figure through the penitentiary while sporting permanent bags under her eyes.”

“Friends close to Jia Jia say that she has been comfort eating to get over her chronic loneliness.”

“I definitely know all of this because I saw a photo of Jia Jia and we have a body language expert here in the office, who also fixes the coffee machines.”

Twatsworth denied that they were being really quite shitty toward Jia Jia.

“She’s 37, single and female. She’s got nobody to blame but herself.”

Jia Jia remains a popular tourist attraction at Hong Kong Ocean Park.

“No idea why” said Twatsworth, “it’s not like she does anything other than sit on her arse and eat all day.”

“I can do that, but I choose to do yoga because I actually care about my body.”

Jia Jia said “I’m a panda, not a film star, you fucking idiot.”

“37 in my species is 110 in yours. Have I received a letter from the queen? Have I bollocks.”

“I have neither the time nor the inclination to consider your petty, aesthetic shite.”

“I’d rather watch grass grow, and that’s my plan for the afternoon, if you’ll excuse me.”

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