Monday 27 July 2015 by Tom Whalley

Lord Sewel to take up new role as ‘Legend on Campus’


Lord Sewel

After being pictured snorting drugs off a hooker’s breasts whilst wearing a bra and a leather jacket, Lord Sewel is to take up a new role as a campus legend.

After the former deputy speaker of the House of Lords was forced to step down as chairman of committees, he said to be exploring new opportunities and considering a number of attractive offers.

It is thought that ‘absolute classics’ at Universities across Britain are competing for his signature.

Tom Gaynor from the University of Nottingham ‘Bantz Soc’ is desperate to sign the sexy peer.

“Sewzo is an absolute legend, mate,” he told us.

“Last year most of our Bantz involved doing sex acts on traffic cones in the town centre. To be honest we could do with some fresh ideas.”

“Also, as a peer he gets a few grand a month from the public. That’s almost as much as most of us get from our parents.”

“Is he allowed to spend it on Ski trips?’

“Absolute legend.”

The University of Nottingham are thought to be facing stiff competition from a rival ‘Bantz Soc’ at the University of Manchester.

“Our initiation involves having to get off with someone your mum’s age, and having beer piped into your anus with a funnel.”

“It’s not nearly degrading enough.”

“With the Sewelster in the squad it’ll probably involve being tied up, having an orange put in your mouth, and then being told by a stern lady that you’ve been really ‘naughty’ and that you ‘deserve this’.”

“And it looks like he gets good blow. Have you ever had bantz on blow? It’s off the chain.”

Both Bantz squads have promised to give Sewel the hoodie with the number 69 on the back.

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