Monday 27 July 2015 by Stuart Beck

Banned football hooligans thinking of getting into cycling


Hooligans to try cycling

Football fans who have been banned from attending matches for hooligan behaviour are considering moving into the world of professional cycling.

“I remember the days when the stands were tight to the pitch, this provided a better atmosphere and the opportunity to piss on a player if I fancied,” John Murray, a Millwall fan, reminisced.

“Now most grounds have a massive gap between the pitch and the stand, I couldn’t even reach a player if I forced a wind assisted piss these days.”

“I hear you can throw entire cups of piss on cyclists and be close enough to twat them too, that sounds awesome!”

The thought of being able to spit on a competitor has tempted ex Inter City Firm member Chris “Blades” Johnson out of retirement.

“I used to love following the Hammers and nothing felt better than holding down a fan of the opposing team and just gobbing in his face.”

“Now I hear you can do this to actual competitors in cycling as well as the other fans, sign me up!”

The addition of team MTN Qhubeka, the first African team to enter the Tour de France, has attracted football fans banned for racism.

Steve Williamson, a Chelsea fan banned for racist chanting, has just become their newest fan.

“People always used to berate me for being so racist whilst supporting a team containing a number of magnificent black footballers.”

“I look forward to continuing this tradition in the cycling world, Daniel Teklehaimanot is already my favourite rider for his attacking style but Yohann Gène can do one!”

Team Sky are concerned about this new influx of fans and have created a stab-proof lycra outfit.

Dave Brailsford believes this innovation will give their team an advantage in future races, explaining that “it is marginal gains like this that keep us at the top of the peloton.”

“Future yellow jersey wearers won’t be questioned on concerns of doping but on concerns that they haven’t been twatted enough compared to their rivals.”

“When Froome stands atop the podium in Paris and Nibali is lying in a puddle of his own blood with multiple stab wounds others will finally realise it is our attention to detail and Froome Dog’s sharp elbows that make us the great team we are.”

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