Friday 24 July 2015 by Tom Whalley

Earth 2.0 equally awful


Kepler-452b

Scientists involved in the search for planets beyond our solar system have found the most Earth-like planet yet, and have predicted that it just as unbearable as our own world.

Discovered using Nasa’s Kepler telescope, Kepler-452b has been nicknamed ‘Earth 2.0’ based on its potential to host banter, religious intolerance, and people who do that thing where they go up at the end of sentences.

Scientist, Dr Lars Bohinen, told reporters, “The star that Earth 2.0 is orbiting is 1.5billion years older than our own meaning the planet may tell us about our own future.”

“There’s a 1% chance that any humanoids on the planet have developed into a peace-loving super race that has completely abandoned ancient concepts such as money and war.”

“More likely it’s just a massive irradiated hole in the ground with the top bit of the statue of liberty poking out from under some sand.”

With Earth-like planets more than likely to be as insufferable as our own, scientists have been asked why they’re not looking for worlds that might be “a bit nicer”.

Astronomer, Dr Steve Chettle advocates a different type of search.

“Rather than looking for Earth 2.0 why are we not looking for something a bit more desirable than this shit hole?”

“Wasn’t there a planet in Star Trek inhabited solely by sexy women who were desperate to get off with you?”

“Go and find that one.”

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