Wednesday 22 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Banning violent prisoners from smoking definitely a brilliant idea


Prison smoking ban

A blanket ban on smoking in prisons will definitely not lead to inmates getting a bit stabby, it was guaranteed today.

Ministers are currently drawing up plans for the no-smoking policy, with a pilot scheme set to roll out in a private prison in South Wales later this year, where the convicts are largely non-violent types who have been done for tax fraud or touching women on the tube.

“I see absolutely no issues whatsoever with this cunning plan,” confirmed Simon Hughes, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Justice.

“If convicts want to smoke, they should have thought about that before breaking the law, or at least before getting caught.”

“We’ve done the maths and we see no issue with keeping habitually violent individuals cooped up in a relatively confined space while also taking away one of the few remaining things that brings them any pleasure.”

“That has definitely never led to riots before, and it definitely won’t now.”

Some inmates have disagreed, however.

“I’d probably recommend that they don’t go ahead with this,” said long-term convict Robert Jenkins, while sharpening an improvised shiv.

“I’m not saying I will go on a murderous rampage, but if you take away my cigarettes then I’m liable to be a lot more clumsy, and far more likely to trip and fall into a prison warden’s neck with a pair of scissors.”

Around 80% of current inmates are smokers.

“We’re hoping the other 20% will join forces with us and quell the mattress bonfires, bearing in mind they’re not big fans of smoke,” said an overly optimistic prison guard.

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