Saturday 18 July 2015 by DavyWavy

Scientists admit defeat in search for cure to common Coldplay


Coldplay virus

Researchers have acknowledged the common Coldplay may never be cured, we can report this morning.

After fifteen years and billions in research, scientists have concluded the Coldplay may be ‘ineradicable’, and advise people simply to avoid exposure wherever possible.

If exposed to Coldplay, treating the symptoms of self-regarding wankery until they pass may well be the only option.

Sufferers are advised to keep warm, drink plenty of fluids, especially Jack Daniels, and listen to Motorhead’s The Ace of Spades until the affliction passes.

Avoiding confined areas such as lifts, second-rate shopping centres and the O2 arena where you might be exposed to Coldplay is also advised.

“We’ve tried everything; earplugs, Ramones singles, quietly sobbing and begging for it to stop, but the Coldplay is pernicious and easily transmitted”, we were told.

“We thought getting Chris Martin some action with a lady might help fix things, but perhaps it was an error to involve Gwyneth Paltrow.”

“I mean, well, yeah. Anyway.”

“We’re a great deal more hopeful about Jennifer Lawrence, for obvious reasons.”

Despite the failure, the team have been asked to urgently turn their attention to Radiohead, who it is feared may be due a resurgence with a virulent new album.

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