Friday 17 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Most of Aldi’s stock actually shit, reveal middle-class shoppers


Aldi supermarket

It has been revealed that the vast majority of products stocked by both Aldi are actually total shite.

The revelation came about after middle-class people, who had being buying the occasional mince pie or bottle of gin on the advice of trendy food-writers, decided to buy some of the budget supermarket’s other items.

“I remember the Observer supplement recommending that Aldi Champagne was really good,” said university lecturer Jan Williams.

“And it is, I’ve bought my champagne there ever since, but the other day I bought some Feta cheese and I haven’t vomited that much since I was a baby.

The tinned goods are equally disappointing according to IT analyst John Greene.

“It’s all very bloody well Jay Rayner saying that you can get some gems from Aldi if you know where to look, but if you don’t know where to look then you end up with Berlotti beans that taste like they’ve been pre-digested by the cat.”

London Tramp Simon ‘pants’ Williams joined in the flurry of complaints.

“Yeah, I bought ten cans of their strong cider from Aldi and they made me shit myself and then go blind for twenty minutes.”

“If I bring back the cans, can you replace them with ten more?”

The number of complaints has trebled over the past month and has prompted a response from an Aldi spokesperson.

“Frankly, we only ever claimed to be cheap, I mean if you’re knocking out bread at 50p a loaf, you don’t expect it to taste like it’s been hand-crafted by local artisans, do you?”

“If you don’t like it, fuck off back to Waitrose.”

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