Thursday 16 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘Oh, go on then’ say MPs who previously rallied against pay rise


MP pay rises

Politicians will grudgingly accept a 10% pay rise today, like the heroes they so clearly are.

MPs’ pay is set to rise from £67,060 to £74,000, which is roughly the equivalent to a dozen or so NHS nurses, according to one bloke in the pub.

The confirmation of the raise comes as a slight surprise to some, bearing in mind the number of politicians who have rallied against the raise and deemed it ‘inappropriate’.

However it comes as a complete piece of non-news to anyone who has ever met, seen, or thought about a politician.

“It is entirely justified” said Malcolm McTwatt, MP for Doncaster.

“Our expenses, allowances, pensions and severance pay have all been reduced to only twelve times the level of the average human being.”

“We still need to make a living here and quite frankly I think you should respect that.”

“I know I came out against this in the past, but then the wife mentioned the kitchen needed doing up, and when the facts change, I change my mind.”

Members of the public are a little peeved.

“Yes, ‘a little peeved’ is the nice phrase” confirmed cleaner, Rachel Stevens.

“But ‘driven up the shitting wall by that greedy bunch of self-serving arse-puppets’ is the more accurate one.”

“The sheer audacity of a group of austerity-pushing suits claiming another seven grand a year is so immense it’s actually impressive.”

“Only Kanye West could match them for a sheer lack of self-awareness.”

The pay rise will come into effect in the next financial year, allowing MPs the appropriate amount of money to buy a really good telescope through which to view the poor and disabled being driven into the sea.

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