Wednesday 15 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Eton College accidentally offers places to poor children


Eton conditional offers

Eton College has apologised after accidentally offering a conditional place to hundreds of children from poor families who have no business attending such an institution.

“We are sorry,” said Headmaster Tony Little.

“But I would have thought that the mistake would have been immediately obvious. I mean, one of these families ran a newsagent. How on earth could they expect their boy to come to Eton?”

The problem was compounded by the assumption from Eton that ‘these sort of people don’t understand email,’ and therefore no attempt to contact the families was made.

Mr Little has asked for some consideration for the staff and pupils of the college.

“It was a little harrowing,” he said, mopping his brow.

“For a period, it looked as if we might have to mingle with the lower orders, with all their attendant nits, lice, and demands for Findus Crispy Pancakes.”

However, there was relief amongst some of the families that their children wouldn’t have to go to Eton after all.

“Probably for the best,” said the father of one such child.

“There’s only so much a good understanding cricket and being sexually abused by the older boys can do for you.”

Eton College was founded 575 years ago and has a proud history of educating some of the greatest figures of the 20th Century including Bill Turnball, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, and nemesis of Thor; Loki.

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