Tuesday 14 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Government advises using pack of hounds to remove mice, wasps, and bats from homes


Fox hunting small

New Government advice is to recommend homeowners remove common household pests with a pack of hounds, preferably accompanied by posh people on horses.

“Since the hunting ban came into effect in 2005, we have seen an explosion in fox numbers in the country,” said prime minister David Cameron.

“This, quite clearly, shows that hunting with packs of dogs is the most efficient form of pest control. I mean, that’s just scientific fact.”

The use of hunting dogs to remove pests is already commonplace in some areas.

Hunt supporter and monumental idiot Simon Williams recently discovered a wasp’s nest in his shed.

“It was a bloody nightmare,” he said.

“Wasps everywhere. So, obviously, I realised the most sensible thing would be to see Lord Finchum who runs the local hunt.”

“Naturally, he beat me with a stick for looking him in the eye but then he got to work on the wasp’s nest.”

Lord Finchum and forty of his most inbred friends put on their stupidest hats and red jackets, got on their horses and met in the park.

After spending an hour or so mocking the poor folk of the area, they whipped a pack of dogs into a frenzy of bloodlust and tore through the village, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

“They came through the back fence like a train,” continued Mr Williams

“And the dogs went straight for the wasps, Lord Finchum was laughing and having a great old time.”

Several of the dogs died of anaphylactic shock from wasp stings, Mr Williams cat was torn to pieces and nothing remains of his shed. But he confirms the wasp’s nest has gone.

“Oh yes, had no problems since. Hunting’s just the best form of pest control there is.”

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