Tuesday 14 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Four fingers of fudge now required to give average British kid a treat


Finger of fudge is just enough

Today’s entitled and mostly fat generation of 7-10 year-olds need four times as many fingers of fudge than their parents did to feel satiated.

Studies found that one finger was met with disdain by 37% of modern children, with the remaining 63% not even glancing up from their iPads.

Most kids now require four fingers, but not in that way.

“It was inevitable,” said researcher Simon Williams.

“Today’s average child has a mobile phone, a games console and a gut that would make John Goodman recoil. If you want to impress them, you’d better break out the selection box.”

“Whereas their parents would play with a breeze block and a stick, and if a morsel of chocolate was offered they would seize it with both hands amidst tears of joy, before going back to work at the mine.”

“That’s what I tell my kids anyway. I actually just watched Top Cat quite a lot.”

Another survey found that 21% of parents have now thrown pretence to the wind and simply shower their children with slabs of Dairy Milk until they finally stop whining.

“Sometimes it’s the only way” said put-upon mother, Eleanor Shaw, emptying another sack of confectionery at her beast of a 7 year-old’s feet.

“Diabetes is a price worth paying for some peace and fucking quiet.”

It is thought that if entitlement and greed continue along current trends, the world’s cocoa supplies will run dry in the next 42 years- which also happens to be the life expectancy of today’s tubby ten year-olds.

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