Friday 10 July 2015 by DavyWavy

Dalai Lama to give it all up for ‘money and poontang’


Dalai Lama quitting

The Dalai Lama is quitting for money and chicks, he has announced this morning.

The Lama, real name Tenzing Gyatso, was spiritual head of the Gelug school of Tibetan Buddhism until earlier today.

After deep and clear consideration, the Dalai Lama has allegedly concluded that a life of selfless asceticism ‘totally sucks’ and makes you ‘bloody miserable’.

He now intends to promote a bad-boy image, possibly becoming a rapper and sippin’ gin and juice.

“Become a Buddhist, they told me. It’s non-stop fanny, they told me”, he told waiting reporters.

“My arse.”

“Do you know how many girls poverty, saffron robes and an air of inner peace gets you?”

“None what-so-bloody-ever, that’s how many. My plums are like tins of condensed milk.”

“I’m not saying that a life of purity, and being a guru, teacher and mentor isn’t rewarding enough for a while – but 65 years of it? Enough, thank you.”

He then retired to a suite at the Bhutan Hilton for some meditation with newly appointed assistants Krystal and Sandie.

The Lama is reported to have already signed lucrative sponsorship deals with Harley-Davidson and Benson & Hedges.

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