Thursday 9 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Ex-benefit claimants to be retrospectively demonised

Iain Duncan-Smith to demonise former benefit claimants

The Government has announced plans to retrospectively demonise anyone who has claimed benefits in the last twenty years.

“We are a party of fairness,” said Secretary of State for work and pensions Iain Duncan-Smith as he feasted on the blood of freshly-slaughtered virgin jobseekers.

“And frankly, it’s tremendously unfair that benefit claimants were not treated as unfairly in the past as we are treating them nowadays, so we intend to retrospectively treat them terribly unfairly.”

“It’s only fair.”

The retrospective demonisation will begin in 2016 and is expected to last two years.

“We hope that within the two years we will have made anyone who has claimed benefits in recent years to feel like the rancorous, pustulating, freeloading crapbags they were at the time.”

The plans have found favour amongst total bastards.

“About time too,” said total bastard Simon Williams.

“For far too long, people were able to claim unemployment and sickness benefits and feel equal to me as a human being, despite me being someone who doesn’t claim any benefits at all.”

“Whilst I do hope they will be made to feel like vermin, it’s also very nice that I can feel I’m the best and have been for twenty years.”

Mark Hammond claimed unemployment benefit for six weeks in 2002. He began to explain how he felt about the new retrospective demonisation

“It’s not on, I spent-“

But before he could finished, we kicked him in the nuts and called him a layabout, skiving git before running off.

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