Thursday 9 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Colleague who bought Apple Watch at launch finally stops talking about it


Apple Watch

The insufferably smug prick in your office finally managed to shut his fat face about his pointless bit of ‘wearable tech’ this morning.

Office Manager, Malcolm Douglas, queued up for eight hours for an Apple Watch that does about one fifth of what his existing iPhone already does.

Since then he has talked about it non-stop, even when colleagues have begged him not to and then left the room.

There was celebration this morning when, a mere month and a half after his initial purchase, Douglas asked what everyone had planned for the weekend without relating the answers back to his jumped-up children’s spy toy.

“It was definitely a relief,” said receptionist, Eleanor Shaw.

“It’s a similar feeling when a fly with a particularly loud buzz finally sods off out the window after four hours of constant irritation.”

It is hoped that the topic of Apple Watches will be off the agenda until the next version is released in six months’ time.

“We’ve all booked two weeks’ annual leave from that date,” continued Shaw.

“So he can talk to the fucking water cooler about it for all we care.”

“Hopefully the empty office will remind him of the emptiness in his life that he has to fill with pointless technology.”

“But he’ll be too busy staring at his new watch for that, I expect.”

Douglas was unavailable for comment, claiming that he now only communicates via interaction with his wrist, which coincidentally is also the only way he makes love.

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