Wednesday 8 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Osborne promises to savour every delicious moment of benefit cuts


George Osborne benefit cuts

Chancellor George Osborne has vowed to slow the pace of benefit cuts so that he can sit back and really enjoy it, according to sources today.

In a break with the usual breakneck speed of fucking the poor and afflicted into a tin hat, the Chancellor of the Exchequer will be taking it at a more leisurely pace going forward, with a timetable stretching across three grey and desolate years, rather than two.

“George is looking at it like a bottle of 18-year malt whiskey, which the poor could obviously never afford,” said a government spokesperson.

“You don’t want to down the whole bottle in one sitting; you wouldn’t enjoy it as much, and people would judge you for it.”

“Instead, it’s better to gently chip away at people’s ability to seek much-needed financial aid over a period of a few months.”

“I’m using this metaphor as the chancellor does enjoy a scotch of a Friday afternoon, usually while watching the CCTV feeds from various job centres and giggling like a lunatic.”

“He’s hoping to put together a special ‘highlights’ package and present it to the Prime Minister on his birthday.”

Benefit cuts timetable

As part of the extended timetable of cuts, the chancellor will be reducing the welfare budget to £12bn, abolishing maintenance grants to students in favour of loans, increasing rent for council tenants who dare to earn more than a pittance, and lowering the benefit cap across the country.

But it’s not all bad news; the inheritance tax threshold will go up to £1m by 2017.

“That’s so our kind of people can buy some lovely scotch,” said the spokesperson.

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