Monday 6 July 2015 by Oliver Gordon

Turkeys in shock vote against Christmas


Turkey Christmas

Turkeys have delivered a defiant response to supporters of Christmas, insisting they do not want to be part of it under the current proposals.

61% of turkeys voted ‘No’ in yesterday’s referendum, which was called to determine whether the delicious birds should support Christmas and its traditional meals.

In the end turkey voters agreed with turkey leaders that those outside the turkey community were trying to ‘eat’ them, not have them ‘participate fully’ as had been previously promised.

Turkey Simon Williams told us, “I voted ‘No’, as did every turkey I know. It was the only real choice available to us.”

“I realise that everyone is demanding a traditional Christmas, but frankly I wasn’t willing to put my neck on the chopping block just because you all said so.”

“It’s time for us to look after ourselves and though Christmas sounds great to everyone outside the turkey community, when you’re on the inside looking at what is actually being asked of us, it really doesn’t seem so great.”

“A lot of people think we’re being selfish and refusing to do our bit, but that’s simply not the case. We’re just not willing to sacrifice ourselves for you.”

Turkeys vote ‘No’ to Christmas

The news means that turkeys could drop out of Christmas altogether, if reforms can not be agreed.

Turkey leader Alexis Turkepras told reporters, “We still want to be part of Christmas, and we’re happy to negotiate if you’re all willing to consider alternative things to feast on. Maybe a nut loaf, for example?”

“But if not, then we might not be able have a Christmas in the way we have Christmas now, but it will be our own celebration that we can manage and look after ourselves.”

“What could possibly go wrong?

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