Monday 6 July 2015 by DavyWavy

Security guards praised for throwing Damon Albarn off stage


Damon Albarn

Security at the Africa Express festival have been praised for stepping in and shutting Damon Albarn up.

The singer had flatly refused to just stop singing and go away after his scheduled ninety minutes in Roskilde, but instead kept going on and on and on for more than five hours like some kind of mockney car alarm at 1am.

The event has been compared by some as being like the US military keeping prisoners awake for hours at a time with tuneless white noise in Guantanamo Bay.

Fearful festival-goers were terrified that Albarn was planning to keep a remix of Song 42 going for more than a day until a selfless security guard hurled himself on Albarn in a last-ditch effort to get him to pipe down.

Witnesses described the act as ‘heroic’ and ‘like throwing yourself on a grenade to save your buddies in ‘nam’.

When asked, Albarn told us “It was going mad large well wicked geezer innit mate.”

“Know what I mean, yeah, happnin’?”, the public-school educated wannabe Jamie Oliver added.

“The crowd were me china mates having a singalong like in the jack tar over a pig’s ear, guv, an’…”

Unfortunately Albarn was then cut off by our reporter punching him.

The security guards and several hundred are currently under observation by medical authorities, but are expected to make a full recovery from their ordeal.

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