Thursday 2 July 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Benefits shake-up to incentivise ill people to get better


Iain Duncan-Smith

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan-Smith is confident that a shake-up to incapacity benefits will give ill people the incentive and encouragement they need to get better.

“I feel like we’re letting sick people down,” said Mr Duncan-Smith yesterday as he feasted on a haunch of snow leopard.

“By giving them all these benefits, we’re saying that we want them to remain ill, which is cruel.”

“People associate being ill with getting benefits, and that we are rewarding people for their illness. This is wrong; what motivating factor is there for people to get try to get better?”

“So, by cutting back on their benefits, we will be giving an incentive to their immune system and their genetic make-up to actually fight the illness and get better.”

“I mean, that’s just science, right?”

Sickness disincentive

The benefits shake-up has found favour amongst idiots.

“Yeah, I think this is good,” said balloon-stretcher and idiot Simon Williams.

“There’s a bloke in our street who’s been on benefits since he came back from Afghanistan with no legs.”

“I mean, yes, he does the occasional wheelchair marathon, but perhaps if he wasn’t so reliant on benefits then he might actually make the effort to grow his legs back.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was unavailable for comment because he was off sick with a cold or ‘really bad man-flu’.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: