Wednesday 1 July 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Gingers advised to not even bother today


Ginger sun

Ginger-haired people have been told not to even think about going near a window, let alone stepping out of the house today.

Temperatures are set to reach levels that could wipe out Madame Tussaud’s waxwork population, meaning that the more pale and freckly among us are at a particularly high risk.

“Seriously, just ring in sick” said Dr. Malcolm Grant, a skincare specialist.

“Tell them you’ve got whatever bug is going around, or if you’re a woman, say you’ve got woman’s problems. Nobody will dare question that one.

“I myself have been ‘blessed’ with two ginger children, and I’m not letting them out of their rooms. If they even set foot outside then they’re liable to burst into flames.

“Curtains drawn, air-con on. That’s the phrase for today – along with ‘fuck me it’s hot, isn’t it?’”

Surprisingly little concern has been shown for tennis player Andy Murray, who while not being “full-ginger” is at the very least Scottish, and therefore in a similar risk category.

“Meh, he’ll be fine,” said tennis fan, Sally Hart, “he’s so grumpy that I doubt the sun will want to go near him.”

“Besides which, my entertainment is more important than the health of some silly sports people. Do you have any IDEA how much I spent on these strawberries?

“Don’t bother guessing, it will be on my Facebook wall in a minute.”

It is hoped that the weather will cool enough for mankind’s first ever “Ginger Pride” parade next week, where hordes of carrot-topped individuals will line the streets and celebrate all that is good about being ginger.

The parade is expected to last around eight minutes before heading inside to get out of the sun.

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