Monday 29 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Confusing sun cream labels being used to ‘kill off morons’


Sun cream confusing

The needlessly confusing labels on bottles of sun lotion are a covert way of reducing the population and improving the gene pool, it has been confirmed.

As it was revealed that the “SPF” factor only refers to half of the damage that the sun could do to your fat face, sun cream executives were forced to admit that they were part of a hideous plot.

“Very clever of you, very clever indeed” said Norman Felch, CEO of Mostly-For-Show Sun Lotions, while clapping his hands slowly and stroking a big, white, fluffy cat.

“We thought that if we put a big label on the sun lotion saying “SPF 50” then you would all blindly obey; and most of you did, God rest your souls.”

“But now it seems some of you have worked out that you also need to check the star rating for UVA rays, the pie chart for UVZ rays, and the venn diagram for rays TBC.”

“Now we will have to curb the population some other way, we may even have to go back to making ‘healthy’ smoothies.”

Members of the public have been shocked and baffled by the news.

“I’m shocked and baffled” confirmed Frederick Grant, a dangerously pale man from Somerset.

“Surely that massive number on the front of the bottle should cover EVERYTHING, not just certain bits of that massive ball of fire that’s definitely trying to kill me.”

“That’s like buying a front door that keeps out 30% of my ex-wives. It’s just not good enough.”

“Sod it. I’m just going to take Billy Connolly’s advice and go to the beach in a welder’s suit and a diver’s helmet.”

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