Friday 26 June 2015 by Matt Taylor

US Supreme Court rules homophobes and bigots should go f*ck themselves


Supreme Court

The US Supreme Court made history today by ruling that closet cases and other bigots who try to feel better about themselves by hating gays should probably, on balance, get fucked.

The Justices reached their decision by a majority of 5-4 and concluded their ruling by adding the hashtag ‘#NoHomo’ and a smiley face.

Right-wing mouth-frothers were quick to react with Fox News reporting that sodomy was to be made compulsory across the United States under federal law.

Religious groups are also in shock. Cardinal Arnold Jimson, spokesman for the Catholic Church on Moral Issues condemned the ruling saying, “This is a terrible day for Catholics across America and takes us many steps closer to total moral corruption.”

“It seems that Americans are determined to abandon healthy Church-approved expressions of sexuality, like the mass raping of children and subsequent decades long cover ups, and intends to replace that with the disgusting spectacle of consenting adults who love each other making a public commitment to one another.”

“It makes me sick just thinking about it.”

Meanwhile gay groups have taken to the streets for a 24-hour nationwide celebration featuring traditional gay party games such as ‘Pin the Hot Pants on the Kylie’, ‘Simon Cowell Says’ and ‘Pass the Arsehole’.

As darkness falls the festivities will continue by the light of millions of fairy lights which are to be powered by the Rev. Fred Phelps spinning in his grave.

“It’s what he wouldn’t have wanted,” explained a victory parade organiser with a saucy wink.

Asked to comment on the ruling from heaven Jesus said, “About fucking time.”

If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married

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