Friday 26 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘Speaking your mind’ not actually an achievement


speaking your mind

Saying whatever pile of bollocks pops into your head at any given moment isn’t necessarily a good thing, it has been confirmed today.

After OFCOM received 1,100 complaints following Helen Wood’s description of fellow Big Brother contestant Brian Belo as a “Rapist and murderer”, Wood described honesty as “one of her best qualities”, despite the fact that both of the previous assertions were slanderous lies.

She went on to say that she always spoke her mind; with a look of pride suggesting she may have found a cure for AIDs, cancer and hangovers all at the same time.

“Yeah, speaking your mind ALL the time actually puts you on par with a prickish four year-old”, confirmed sociologist, Brian Yates.

“Most of us have a little filter in our brain that stops us from saying the vilest things that crop up in our minds. These filters may be referred to as ‘manners’, ‘tact’ or ‘a desire to have any friends at all.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I have some of the most randomly hideous thoughts imaginable; only the other day my wife came downstairs after getting ready for a meal out, and I couldn’t help but think of that fat kid from The Goonies.”

“But obviously I didn’t tell her that because it’s a HORRIBLE thing to say. Plus I quite like my bollocks where they are.”

It is thought that speaking one’s mind has risen to prominence thanks to the constant stream of utterly vacuous “reality” shows where the protagonists’ only method of providing entertainment is by starting bitchy arguments with each other about the shoes they’re wearing or the tosspot that some of them might be wanting to sit on.

Brian Belo, meanwhile, has left the Big Brother house after enduring Helen Wood’s abusive remarks; thereby raising his integrity by around 400%.

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