Thursday 25 June 2015 by Tom Whalley

All gigs now ‘Festivals’


All gigs now festivals

All gigs, concerts, and open mic nights are to be officially recognised as festivals from now on.

The move comes after the high court threw out a case against a mobile phone company who had been promoting a concert in a football stadium as a festival.

This is despite there only being three performers on the bill, one of which was Ed Sheeran.

A spokesmouth for the company told us.

“The promotional campaign featured lots of pictures of flowers and an adult girl in face paint. Clearly that makes it a festival.”

“We had a hog roast and aggressively searched online about everyone attending. Again, clearly a festival.”

“Oh yeah, and everyone was forced to drink the same brand of awful lager. Totally a festival.”

“Festival.”

Everything now a festival

The move has had a negative impact on local radio roadshows, which are now also required to call themselves festivals.

Gem 106 in Nottingham issued the following statement.

“The changes to the law meant we had to rebrand our roadshow as a festival.”

“Unfortunately that meant a load of hippies turned up with a soundsystem and started playing aggressive techno.”

“Imagine watching a lad off of X Factor miming to a backing track with that going on.”

“And try presenting a drivetime show when you’re in a k-hole. That does not go well, believe me.”

Actual Festivals have responded to the new regulations by shrugging and asking O2 for more money.

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