New theory claims Stonehenge was ancient meeting point for bellends

author avatar by 9 years ago

A stunning new theory proposes that Stonehenge was actually little more than a great place for annoying tossers to congregate during the summer.

Neolithic expert, Professor Simon Williams, bases his theory on repeated observations of ‘a vast assortment of dicks with nothing better to do turning up around this time of year, every year’.

Williams’ staggering new proposal demolishes previous theories that the sacred ring is some sort of freaky Stone Age calendar.

Armed with fancy measuring gear, Williams’ team could find no alignment whatsoever with celestial bodies, noting that the largest stone actually points towards the overpriced gift shop.

Williams said, “There is a lot of shite talked about how the tallest stone is aligned with the midsummer sunset, but the only way you could think that is if you’re on drugs.

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“Also, if it’s a calendar, then they forgot the fucking leap year,” he insisted.

The theory was tested when the solstice sun set at 21:26 BST on Saturday, when just as Williams predicted, an array of tedious dreadlocked hippies appeared and claimed the site for themselves.

Williams said he was “really thrilled” at the finding.

“Sure enough, as the sun began to set a troupe of arseholes came marching over the downs banging a fucking drum of some description,” he added.

“I’m afraid to say that ancient man had much in common with these New Age twats, even down to the frankly appalling personal hygiene.

“Yes, there was a nice sunset, sure, but it was absolutely ruined by these legal-high snorting knobheads.”