Monday 22 June 2015 by Danny Soz

Americans claim victory at Waterloo re-enactment after showing up towards the end


Waterloo re-enactment

American forces have claimed victory at the Battle of Waterloo re-enactment, after arriving just as it was about to finish anyway.

The Americans were accused of reverting to type as they claimed a decisive victory at the re-enactment, despite only making an appearance when hostilities were almost at an end and with French troops fleeing in disarray.

As Napoleon’s defeated army streamed from the battlefield, United States fighter jets strafed them with cannon fire and then hit them with a number of guided missiles launched from USAF drones, killing and wounding in excess of one thousand pretend French soldiers.

A spokesman for the US State Department was jubilant as he told the American people in a TV broadcast last night:

“Once again we have come to the aid of our British allies in their darkest hour and emerged victorious, just like we did in the two World Wars when we showed up towards the end and saved their limey asses.”

“Hell, we even won The Battle Of Britain for ’em. Anybody who’s seen Ben Affleck kick Luftwaffe ass in Pearl Harbour knows that.”

A spokesman for the French government responded angrily last night:

“Look, we don’t really care much about all this because the dead and wounded were not actually French at all.”

“I just wish the Americans would stop calling us cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Have they never heard of The French Foreign Legion?”

A descendant of the Duke of Wellington refused to comment when we spoke to him last night but he did raise his eyes heavenwards and mutter “Oh for fuck’s sake” under his breath.

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