Thursday 18 June 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Nigerian businessman to buy Arsenal once they let him know their bank details


Arsenal billionaire from Nigeria

A prominent Nigerian businessman has declared his intention to buy Arsenal football club.

An email was received by several departments of the football club on Wednesday purportedly from Mr Aliko Dangote, Africa’s richest businessman, although, the email did spell his name with several ‘Z’s.

It began by saying “Greeting my friends from Nigeria,”

It went on to explain that he was actually a ‘man of very success,’ and how could bring ‘mutual joy’ to Arsenal football club by buying it for ‘one hundred billion dollars.’

However, according to the email, owing to banking regulations in Nigeria, Mr DangoZZte (sic) needs full details of Arsenal’s bank account, including passwords and memorable pet.

But once he has that then both he and Arsenal will ‘be enjoying great, great excitement in the time.’

“Well, obviously it’s a tremendous offer,” said 194 year-old Chips Keswick, Chairman of Arsenal football club.

“And I intend to give it the fullest consideration.”

Manager Arsene Wenger was more cautious.

“We shall have to wait and see,” said the Frenchman, over a plate of snails and ‘frites’.

“On the one hand, one hundred million dollars could purchase many, many tiny, quick, midfielders.”

“But on the other we have to assess the value in the market fully before committing and, to be frank, even with that sort of money, I will probably just choose to loan an injured Inuit left-back for half a season than buy any new players.”

Jose Mourinho is said to be pissing himself laughing.

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