Thursday 18 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Hallmark reports disappointing sales of brutally honest Father’s Day cards


Father's Day cards

Greeting card merchant and soppy-sentiment peddler Hallmark has reported a disappointing return on their decision to stock Father’s Day cards telling the recipient the cold hard truth about how good a father they are.

Slogans such as “you drink too much”, “you’re never home for dinner” and “I had to WALK home from school” have proven surprisingly unpopular choices for mothers buying cards for their partners and then pretending it’s from their three year-old spawn.

Only a few have made the decision to purchase the new line of cards.

Stacey Cartwright, a 15 year-old from Middlesbrough, said, “My dad has had a ferocious gambling problem ever since I was five.”

“I still have fond memories of him trying to flog my first bicycle down at the local.”

“So imagine my delight when I found a card that said ‘your addiction is destroying your family from the inside out’.”

“I couldn’t have designed a more appropriate card if I tried.”

Father’s Day

Stacey is in the minority, with most people still choosing to make Father’s Day a generally nice occasion.

“We may have dropped the ball here” admitted Hallmark designer, Malcolm Barrett.

“We thought that fathers might enjoy a change of pace from the usual pandering and polite lying regarding their status as ‘World’s Best Dad’.”

“Seriously, those ceramic mugs are mass-produced. That title means nothing anymore. In fact, the world’s best dad is probably dead, having thrown himself in front of a bullet for his family in a war-torn country.”

Malcolm paused for a moment of reflection before adding, “I really shouldn’t be designing cheerful greeting cards, should I?”

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