Friday 12 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Nobody shocked as Network Rail is officially accused of being rubbish at trains


Network Rail

Commuters nationwide gave a collective mutter of ‘well, duh’ as Network Rail was accused of ‘Poor levels of punctuality and reliability’ by the UK Rail Regulator (UKRR).

The UKRR is to launch an investigation after one of its members used a train for the first time and realised just how unrelentingly miserable a short train ride can actually be.

“Welcome to our world” said soul-shattered commuter, James Watkins.

“I take the train from Portsmouth to London every morning, and I usually want to take my own life and several others by around 8:30am.”

“I’m not sure what pushes me to that. It’s either the lateness of the trains, the filth, the small mortgage required to buy a ticket, or the additional mortgage to buy a malnourished sandwich from the laughably titled buffet car.”

“I love a buffet, it’s what I live for, and trust me, that ain’t one.”

Network Rail criticised

UKRR spokesperson, Nathan Parker, said “yeah, bloody hell”.

“None of us had actually been on a train before, but it sounds awful.”

“Being forced into a metal tube to go to a city full or arseholes where you have to sit at a desk you didn’t choose and work in a job you don’t like is awful enough, but Network Rail are almost impressive in their ability to make it worse.”

“Our representative was so harrowed by the experience, he may never play the violin again. For which we are all secretly quite pleased.”

Riding a train came second in a recent poll of hideous, joyless and over-expensive tasks, narrowly pipped to the post by taking your children to the cinema.

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