Friday 12 June 2015 by Phil Robertshaw

Lord Voldemort ‘deeply offended’ by Lance Armstrong comparison


Voldemort armstrong comparison

Evil wizard Lord Voldemort has spoken out at the treatment he has received in the wizarding world, after being accused of being ‘magic’s answer to Lance Armstrong’.

Voldemort was compared to the cheating cyclist in a recent interview, leading to much abuse of the once powerful magician.

“It’s horrible what’s happening to me, I’m being treated like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Believed,” claimed Harry Potter’s arch-enemy, today.

“Being compared to a drugs cheat and serial liar is really quite offensive you know.”

“Murder and torture, yes – but at least I was up front about what I was doing. None of this bare-faced lying throughout my career.”

“And to suggest that the magic I performed was somehow linked to performance enhancing substances? That’s really unfair. Everyone knows that potions are a big part of a wizard’s arsenal.”

“Everyone was doing it, but somehow I’m the only one who get singled out? It’s a conspiracy.”

Voldemort like Lance Armstrong

Many in the wizarding community have insisted that despite his vociferous defence, Voldemort deserves all the abuse he gets.

Professor Simon Williams of Hogwarts School told us, “I remember Voldemort when he was just Tom Riddle.”

“He was always messing with potions and chemicals. It’s no surprise he used them to get to the top.”

“Since then he’s done some appalling things to achieve what he did. So no, I can’t see any difference between him and Lance Armstrong, really.”

Voldemort maintains that despite all the murders and stuff, he’s actually “quite a nice bloke really, once you get to know me.”

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