Thursday 11 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

RBS to be sold off to provide funds for future bank bail-outs


Tax-payer-owned bank, RBS, is to be sold off in chunks in order to pay for future financial cock-ups by banking institutions.

It is thought that the bank, which is 80% owned by the government, is currently worth 354.8p a share, compared to the 500p a share it was worth when the government provided a 45 billion pound bailout.

The shortfall in price between where it used to be and where it is now means it’s definitely a great idea to sell it right now, according to economics expert, George Osborne.

The proceeds of the sale will be safeguarded to pay for the few banks that have yet to get caught out using their customers’ money for ill-advised stock trades, rigging foreign exchange rates, or just abandoning all pretence and heading to the nearest casino to have it large.

“It is essential the sale takes place now,” said a treasury spokesperson.

“We’ve bled the public dry as fare as we can, but it still won’t be enough to cover the day when Barclays goes tits-up.”

“We would cut public transport completely to save more money, but we’re close enough to a country-wide riot as it is.”

RBS sell-off

Members of the public were confused and angry at the news; even more so than usual.

“Let me get this right,” said Roger Wilkinson, a builder from Great Yarmouth, “our money bought most of the bank, which means we own it, and we don’t get a say on when and how it’s managed or sold?”

“Something about this puts me in mind of my ex-wife and the house I bought and paid for, but in which she now lives, but I’m not quite sure what.”

“Anyway, it’s bollocks. We should be getting our money back. It’s bad enough that I don’t get my NHS contributions back; I didn’t go to hospital once last year.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: