Monday 8 June 2015 by DavyWavy

Saudi Arabia sentences everyone in the world to 1,000 lashes


Saudi Arabia lashings

A Saudi Arabian court has sentenced everyone in the world to 1,000 lashes, we can report this morning.

The sentence was passed after a blogger was convicted of ‘insulting the country’ and the Saudis realised that this particular line of prosecution was a hole with no bottom.

Seeing as pretty much everyone thinks the country is an unpleasantly backwards hell hole, Saudi judges decided to save time and pre-emptively pass judgement on the rest of the Earth’s population in one go.

Experts suggest that Saudis get away with this sort of crap because they are very rich and have lots of oil.

Middle East expert Simon Williams told us, “It’s not so much that the West lets them ‘get away’ behaving like this, so much as the West is encouraged to the look the other way due to their heavy reliance on Saudi oil.”

“Yes, I know that looks like a bribe, but it’s not, I assure you.”

“You’d get 1,000 lashes for even suggesting it.”

Saudi lashings

The Saudi judgement was released to the press this morning.

“Insulting the great nation of Saudi Arabia is an unforgivable crime,” a senior Saudi judge told reporters.

“Whipping someone to the brink of death because of something they said is fully supported by Sharia law, so that makes it ok,” he confirmed.

“So if you’d all form an orderly queue we’ll get round to you eventually.”

Diplomatic sources suggest that unless the rest of the global population lines up as ordered, the Saudis might turn off the oil, so we’d better suck it up.

Breaking news: the author of this article has been sentenced to 2000 lashes in absentia.

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