Monday 8 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Alton Towers absolutely teeming with personal injury lawyers


Alton Towers lawyers

Alton Towers has re-opened today to an unsurprisingly slim crowd, consisting mostly of hack lawyers in cheap suits.

Following a rigorous safety check which only took place after a hideous rollercoaster collision, Alton Towers opened its gates again this morning to be greeted with 47 beady-eyed solicitors from various firms with the word “injury” and/or the number “4” in their name.

“Oh, I’m not going on any of the rides” said Michael Marlott, a 37 year-old solicitor from Cash4YourWoes.

“Rollercoasters aren’t really my thing and besides, I don’t have a death wish.”

“I’m just going to stand and watch very, very carefully and maybe take a few pictures, and maybe have a bit of a natter with the customers when they come off the ride, which will hopefully be when at the end of the ride rather than halfway round.”

“Although if they do come off halfway round then, y’know, ka-ching.”

“Not that I’d wish them harm, of course, but it would get me a swimming pool.”

Alton Towers re-opens

Alton Towers’ staff are understandably peeved at their unexpected clientele.

“They’re taking up all of the plug sockets with their laptops” said gift-shop worker, Charlie Rogers, “Now I’ve got nowhere to charge my phone.”

“I wouldn’t mind if they were spending money but they just aren’t.”

“Although they have been very friendly in asking me how I am and whether I’ve had any encounters with a dodgy ladder recently.”

It is thought that the only human members of the public who will be attending the theme park today are the kind of bonkers individuals who are also into tombstoning, bungie-jumping or getting in a car with George Michael.

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