Friday 5 June 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Facebook bravely defends the right to watch a baby being tortured


Facebook baby video

Facebook has once again proven its benevolent nature by refusing to remove a viral video showing a terrified and distressed baby being repeatedly dunked into a bucket of water.

Mark Zuckerberg’s online bragging apparatus has often been the subject of scrutiny over its liberal approach to disturbing content such as openly racist Facebook groups, casual misogyny and photos of Miley Cyrus.

A spokesperson for Facebook said, “We walk a tightrope between allowing absolutely vile and vicious videos of abused children to be seen, and taking them down and reporting the perpetrators to the police like normal people would do.”

“We like to think of ourselves as innovators and free-thinkers, so we will let the public decide for themselves upon watching the video – only for reasons of free speech, of course.”

“Not because we want even greater levels of user engagement on our site.”

Facebook baby video

Members of the public find themselves similarly torn.

Barry Simpkins, 38, said, “Whenever I open a video on the Internet, my first instinct is to start masturbating immediately.”

“It’s got me thrown off more than a few buses and out of more than a few weddings.”

“But I think even I would struggle to do that to a video of a baby being repeatedly dunked underwater.”

“Facebook should only allow sexy videos on their site, like the rest of the Internet does.”

The distressing video has been shared hundreds of thousands of times, sometimes out of concern but often under headlines such as “LOL” and “Awww, so CUTE”, providing further prove that humanity has had its chance and we all deserve to die.

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