Tuesday 2 June 2015

Sepp Blatter resigns to spend more time with his bribes


Sepp Blatter resigns

FIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced his resignation insisting he plans to spend more time with the sacks of money he keeps in his various homes.

Despite being re-elected just four days ago, Blatter has resigned after telling reporters that spending so long away from his bribes was beginning to take its toll.

He told those gathered, “Football has been my life for over fifty years, but I am 79 now and I want to spend what good years I have left with the carefully acquired bungs that I have accumulated over the years.”

“It’s time reassess my priorities in life, and in a few years I won’t be able to throw my five hundred euro notes in the air, or play catch with my various jewel encrusted trinkets.”

“It’s important that I get to properly enjoy these bungs whilst I still can.”

Blatter resigns

Blatter went on to explained that the decision had been a difficult one.

He continued, “I’m sure I’ll miss it, the day-to-day job of running FIFA, but you have to ask yourself if you still enjoy getting my bungs?”

“It’s not like when I first got into this game, when brown paper bags full in internationally traded bearer bonds were all over the place.”

“It’s all electronic these days. Some tried to bribe me with bitcoins the other day. Bloody bitcoins! I’ve never been so offended in my entire life.”

“No, I’ll leave FIFA to the next generation, and you can leave me to all my lovely, lovely cash.”

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