Monday 1 June 2015 by Neil Tollfree

ISIS expected to offer UK operatives pensions


ISIS pensions

New rules coming into effect today could see ISIS forced to offer all its operatives in the UK contributory pensions.

The legislation will mean that all organisations with up to 30 employees will be expected to provide a contributory pension, even if that organisation is terror related.

The terrorist organisation is thought to have up to a hundred operatives in the UK and, disgracefully, none of them have been offered a contributory pension so far.

“This is good news for all workers in Britain,” said the Pensions Regulator.

“From today, millions more people will have to be provided with pensions, even those working to destroy the West and blow us all up.”

ISIS is unhappy by the new legislation.

“It’s not on,” said a representative for the terrorists.

“We’ve got enough to think about, what with smashing up places of ancient historical significance and shooting loads of endangered birds because they’re not Muslim enough.”

“Now we’re expected to provide pensions?”

“I mean, most of our guys in Britain are suicide bombers anyway, so unless they’re really shit at it, then I don’t think a pension is going to be a major consideration for them.”

Other organisations expected to be affected by the new legislation include the UK chapter of the Hells Angels, the Triads, and Marples Garden Centre on the A29.

Drug dealers should be offered a pension by whatever criminal organisation employs them, unless they are legitimate sole traders, in which case the local addicts should club together to get them a pension.

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