Monday 1 June 2015 by DavyWavy

Britain’s Got Talent won by contestant who can lick his own testicles


Britains Got Talent

Televised talent Show Britain’s Got Talent has been won by a contestant who can lick his own testicles, we can report this morning.

Voters were wowed by Matisse the collie’s training, intelligence, and ability to nuzzle enthusiastically at his own scrotum.

Viewer Simon Williams told us, “I can appreciate a good singer, some athletic dancing or even incredible sleight of hand as much as the next man – but how often do you get to see scrotal licking on national television?”

“That was my vote won right there.”

Matisse will now get to demonstrate his ability in front of Her Majesty the Queen at the Royal Variety Performance, with the Queen reported to be keenly anticipating the event.

A palace spokesperson explained, “Her Majesty is more than familiar with a good scrotum licking, thanks to her Corgis.”

“But it will be nice to see it done in front of such a crowd on such a special evening.”

Britain’s Got Talent

The winning act has been welcomed by ITV executives, who have hailed the latest series as ‘the best yet’.

“It’s a talent Simon Cowell has always wished he possessed,” said an ITV spokesman.

“As soon as he heard what Matisse could do, Simon said that if he could do that he’d never leave the house.”

“I think he was rather disappointed when he learned Matisse was actually a dog.”

Producers are already looking for a potential winner to next year’s series, and are hoping to find a disabled orphan hamster who can juggle as they believe that would break all previous voting revenue figures.

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