Friday 29 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Healthy eating officially impossible, confirms study


healthy eating impossible

Maintaining a healthy and balanced diet has been declared far too difficult to even bother with in the first place, according to a new study.

The study by Action on Sugar, a group invented to stomp the joy out of your soul, looked at 94 fruit-based products on UK sale, and found 85% were more sugary than Haribo Starmix; albeit with far fewer creepy adverts starring adults talking like toddlers.

“I’m done” said Norman Rogers, the smug office bastard who always has a bag of dried fruit on the go.

“I’ve spent an absolute fortune on dried fruit and various smoothies, so the knowledge that I’m about as healthy as that fat bastard in accounts who seems to have a never-ending supply of Snickers in his drawer is bloody irritating.”

“Sod it. I’m stealing them all the minute he goes for his usual three-hour lunch break.”

Healthy eating ‘impossible’

Dried fruit snacks were originally invented by a group of parents who wanted their children to die inside every time they opened their lunchboxes.

Manufacturers later caught on to the trend and created their own versions of the snacks, only with more sugar and added evil.

Since then, sales have rocketed and new fruit-based products have hit the market such as fruit roll-ups and smoothies, with manufacturers confident that consumers would see the word “fruit” and then not even bother to glance at the back of the packet.

“It’s worked a treat so far” said Linda Davidson, Head of Marketing at Guilty Smoothies,

“All we do is put out a series of TV adverts featuring a family laughing in a field. Then you lot go out and buy the stuff in droves.”

“I do feel guilty occasionally, but that goes away whenever I look at my massive house.”

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