Thursday 28 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Only steal music and films if you can’t afford to buy them, confirms study


Online piracy ok actually

Online piracy is absolutely fine as long as the thing you are pirating is otherwise outside your budget, according to a new study.

The Institute for Piss-Poor Excuses (IPPE) made a study of 500,012 incidents of online thievery and worked out that only 382,413 of them counted as “proper” crimes as they had been committed by people who could quite easily afford to simply buy the films or music they were stealing.

“It’s simple really”, said Simon Williams, Head of Studies at the IPPE, “if you have enough cash, then you shouldn’t be stealing films and music.”

“But if you don’t, then everyone else should really look the other way.”

“Some may scoff but it’s important to remember that films, games and music are a basic human right, just like water, free speech and wi-fi.”

Piracy study

Piracy was particularly high during the recession, when literally nobody could afford the small mortgage required to visit the cinema.

“It is fascinating”, said Samantha Grey, Vice-President at FuckYourWallet Cinemas.

“People do seem to find it acceptable to nick things that they often can’t be held accountable for, and they don’t seem to realise that we’re the ones that are suffering.”

“By the way, you owe us seventeen quid for that coffee you just drank.”

Police seem ambivalent at best.

“Fuck it, whatever”, said DCI Robert Sharp.

“Just don’t go stealing cars, jewellery or furniture just because you can’t afford that either.”

“This free pass only applies to films and movies, for reasons that are perfectly logical but I can’t quite explain.”

“Don’t worry, everyone who regularly steals movies from the Internet will be able to explain it to you.”

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