Thursday 28 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

New species of ancient Human finally gives scientific explanation for Wayne Rooney


Wayne Rooney

Anthropologists are rejoicing today after discovering the remains of a new species of human that began the evolutionary trail that led to the existence of Wayne Rooney.

The unusual creature is thought to have both ape and human-like features, and has recorded over 100 appearances for the England national football team.

As for the human remains recently discovered in Ethiopia, they include jaw bones and teeth which are roughly 3.5 million years old; very close to the age of Bruce Forsythe’s first set of dentures.

“This ancient human has a very large jaw, and relatively small teeth” said Dr. Hamish McShovel, who led the excavation.

“Obviously this is very exciting for the scientific community; Wayne Rooney is one of the final stumbling blocks in our understanding of evolution, and to find what could very well be a direct ancestor of his allows us to do that.”

“The ancient remains were found with the same grimace that Rooney strikes whenever he scores a goal. The resemblance is quite remarkable.”

“He was even found lying alongside the remains of what we believe to be an elderly woman.”

Dr. McShovel will present his findings to the British Museum of Evolutionary Science next week.

The speech is expected to be a sell-out event for the evolution crowd, as not much has happened since Darwin died.

Wayne Rooney has been invited, but it’s doubtful he will be in attendance as he will struggle to say the phrase “British Museum of Evolutionary Science” to a taxi driver.

“That’ll be due to the big jaw and small teeth” said Dr. McShovel.

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