Wednesday 27 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

FIFA officials finally arrested after hitting the absolute limit of taking the piss


FIFA arrests

FIFA Officials were arrested in a Zurich hotel yesterday after authorities finally reckoned they’d had enough of the body’s outrageous levels of corruption.

Six FIFA officials were arrested in the raid, though sadly none of them put up a fight and got shot during the process.

The charges relate to alleged bribes worth around $100m, or six months of Cristiano Ronaldo’s salary.

“It’s been long overdue” said a Zurich police spokesperson.

“And when I say ‘overdue’, imagine the time it would take a heavily dyslexic snail to return a library book, having moved several counties away, with no access to public transport.”

“I get in trouble at our office if I take a stapler without asking, let alone a bribe from a representative of Qatar.”

“Although to be fair, representatives of Qatar rarely swing by the Zurich police station, so swings and roundabouts, I suppose.”

FIFA arrests

Despite the arrests, FIFA President Sepp Blatter is expected to be re-elected for yet another term, having garnered mysteriously overwhelming support from other FIFA officials who have made mysteriously overwhelming amounts of cash over and above their official salaries in recent years.

“Blatter knows what matters” said a FIFA official who wasn’t arrested but is probably guilty as sin anyway.

“And what matters is ensuring that FIFA continues to provide top quality football to the masses, whilst improving our profits and increasing the cash reserves that currently stand at £1.5bn.”

“And all it will take is a load of dosh in a brown envelope. No questions asked.”

The arrested officials will be extradited to the United States, where they will receive a fair and unbiased trial because nobody there gives the tiniest shit about football.

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