Tuesday 26 May 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Massive cry of ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ as City trader is accused of being greedy


Banker greedy

A new contempt-of-court record has been set in today’s Libor manipulation trial as 53 members of the public gallery yelled out a sarcastic slogan at the same time.

Tom Hayes, a former City Trader, stands accused of attempting to rig the key interest rate, where “the motive was a simple one: it was greed,” according to the prosecution, at which point the cry of “No shit, Sherlock” went up from nearly everyone in the courtroom.

Clerk of the court, Shirley McBride, said “There was a stunned silence for a couple of seconds after that, as everyone realised the judge had woken up.”

“Then he stood up, rubbed his hands together in the same way a fat kid in a sweet shop might do, and reached for his special “hammer of contempt”, which he’s been dying to use ever since he got it in the Argos sale.”

“He then handed out 53 charges of contempt of court. It would have been 54, but one member of the gallery is deaf, thank God.”

One member of the public gallery suggested the charge was perhaps a little unfair.

“It was perhaps a little unfair” suggested Will Roach, “everyone in the court was thinking the same thing; suggesting a banker is driven by greed is as obvious as suggesting that a Liverpool fan is driven by misplaced optimism.”

“I reckon that trader got off light, anyway. A ravaging bout of constipation was the only thing preventing me from flinging my own faeces at him.”

It is expected that all 53 charges of contempt will be quashed under the little known legal principle of “Fair Enough, Really”.

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