Tuesday 26 May 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Government ministers’ wages to be frozen at current ‘staggering’ levels


David Cameron

David Cameron has announced plans to freeze minister’s wages for the next five years and prevent them making the jump from staggeringly wealthy to obscenely wealthy.

Disappointed ministers will have to scrape by on £135,000 until at least 2020 despite the price of artisan bread rising to £4 a loaf in some areas.

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” said an anonymous minister yesterday.

“My butler’s a ghastly oaf who can’t even laminate a newspaper properly, but I can’t replace him because all this austerity twaddle.”

Although the official minister salary will be frozen, they are free to increase their incomes through cash-for-questions schemes, liberal use of expenses or dealing drugs.

“I haven’t got time for all that, I work bloody hard,” continued the anonymous minister.

“I went into the Commons once, and I have to deal with my constituency and they, to be perfectly frank, are grotesquely ugly people.”

“And for all that, I don’t even get enough for the occasional braised swan with shavings of diamond encrusted rhino horn.”

“It’s enough to make you want to marry into Royalty.”

David Cameron’s announcement that ministers will have to make do on less than £150,000 is expected to come as comfort to the hundreds of thousands of people who are unemployed, on zero-hour contracts, or are paid less than the living wage.

“We’re definitely all in this together,” laughed the Prime Minister as he sped away in his taxpayer-funded Bentley sipping on a delightful Montrachet.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: