Friday 22 May 2015 by Luke Geoghegan

Michael Owen ordered to pay damages to phone hackers following exposure to ‘painfully dull’ voicemails


Michael Owen boring voicemails

Former England international and BT Sport commentator Michael Owen has been ordered to pay damages to phone-hackers for the distress caused by listening to his excessively tedious voicemails.

A high court judgement issued today described the psychological traumas suffered by phone-hackers working on behalf of the Daily and Sunday Mirror, who were tasked with listening in on Owen’s ‘deathly dull’ conversations.

Earlier during court proceedings, one haggard phone-hacker, who cannot be named for legal reasons, recounted his ordeals in horrifying detail.

“We assumed that as an elite level footballer who’d played for the likes of Liverpool, England, and Real Madrid, he would have at least picked up a few saucy anecdotes.”

“What I was actually subjected to was just inhumane,” the witness stated, nervously fidgeting and running his pale hands through his matted hair throughout.

“Endless witterings about horse racing, always the horse racing, in that flat, droning Chester accent.”

“And the nonstop, obvious football analysis. ‘Wayne Rooney is England’s best striker for me.’ No sh*t, Michael!”

Trinity Mirror, who have had to pay out themselves to victims of phone-hacking this week, are now potentially facing further action for professional negligence in what some experts now believe may constitute psychological torture in the workplace.

In more positive news for Owen, rumours have recently circulated that officials from United States military prison Guantanamo Bay are preparing to offer the former striker a new career in ‘interrogating’ potential Jihadi suspects.

A source close to Joint Task Force Guantanamo told us, “If his analysis on Manchester United switching to three at the back doesn’t crack ‘em, nothing will.”

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