Thursday 21 May 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Southern Rail revealed as ‘cruel experiment’


Southern Rail

Southern Rail has been revealed as a cruel experiment to try and test the physical and mental limits of the human population.

The hapless rail company has long been the bane of passengers’ lives with delays, cramped conditions, and overt racism commonplace.

Until now, it has been assumed that the only possible way to run a train company as ineptly as Southern Rail was if barely trained monkeys were in charge and spent their days flinging faeces at each other.

However, Professor Simon Williams has revealed that it actually isn’t meant to function as a train company in any meaningful way.

“And in that we have succeeded,” he said

“We wanted to create conditions so intolerable, so absurd, that an average human being would crack.”

“Famously we had the 729 Brighton to Victoria service that never arrived on time, when that didn’t break anyone, we parked it outside Victoria for six hours and switched the toilets off.”

“We had Guards on one service spend a morning poking sleeping passengers with pins, we played Napalm Death at full volume in place of station announcements, we even flooded carriages with the smell of flatulence. “

“The only way we could test passengers’ tolerance further would be to literally shoot them in the face, and that currently isn’t Southern Rail policy.”

“I can only conclude that human beings have staggeringly high levels of tolerance.”

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