Tuesday 19 May 2015 by Ned Geller

Putin scores hat-trick in 2018 World Cup final


Putin World Cup hat-trick

Russian president Vladimir Putin, has surpassed his already considerable sporting achievements by scoring a hat trick in the final of a yet-to-be-played football tournament.

Manly homophobe Putin, whose high-profile pursuits have included riding a horse naked, wrestling a crocodile naked, and, most recently, scoring eight goals in a naked ice hockey match, will make sporting history in the World Cup played on his home soil in three years’ time.

At 65, the ex-KGB man will be the the first geriatric to play in a World Cup since Peter Shilton was wheeled onto the pitch for England in Italia ‘90.

Football pundit, Alan Shearer said, “Even more amazing than Putin’s age is the fact that he’ll be the only player in the Russian side.”

“It’ll mean he can save last-minute penalties as goalie, win crunching midfield battles and also score glorious goals as a striker before lifting the World Cup.”

But some experts have expressed surprise that the result of a game that hasn’t even been played yet is already known.

Questioned at a press conference about the future match, FIFA president Sepp Blatter laughed off allegations of corruption saying, “Russia has bribed and threatened a lot of countries to enable Putin to lift the World Cup.”

“Fair play dictates that we let him.”

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