Tuesday 19 May 2015

Can I have an unemployed person of my own, ask taxpayers


unemployed work placement

Taxpayers everywhere have today insisted that if the government is going to put the unemployed to work to retain their benefits, then they have a few jobs that need doing.

The prime minister outlined a new scheme in which the long-term unemployed in need of “experience of the habits and routines of working life” will be put on work placements that provide no such thing.

He told the press, “This is not forced slavery, because slaves did not get benefits.”

“And this will be targeting some white people too.  It’s about as far from slavery as it’s possible to get, actually.”

Unemployed Simon Williams told us, “I’m a chartered accountant by trade, so as I’m sure you can imagine I’m really looking forward to a few weeks of litter picking and roadsweeping.”

“I’m sure I will be immeasurably more employable as a result.”

Unemployed work placements

Tax payers have insisted that the unemployed could be much more productive if the government gave them one of their own to do all the jobs they’ve been putting off for ages.

Derek Holmes of Stourbridge asked, “Can you find me someone on benefits who’s quite good a tiling?  The missus has been moaning for ages for me to finish the bathroom.”

“If not, I’ll take someone who can cut the grass. It’s fairly straight forward stuff – just go backwards and forwards a few hundred times. Mine hasn’t been done in a while, and frankly I can’t be arsed.”

61 year-old Michael James insisted he should be at the front of the queue for an unemployed, saying, “I’ve paid my taxes for over forty years and never claimed a penny in benefits, so if anyone is going to have someone to clean their car until you can see your face in it, then it’s me.”

“This is a wonderful opportunity for taxpayers like me to get obviously work-shy people to do all those crappy jobs you don’t want to pay anyone to do.”

“Yes, I think it’s a great idea.”

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