Monday 18 May 2015 by Gary Stanton

Reckless Shell boss chooses ‘full flush’ button when urinating


Shell environmentalist

Irresponsible Shell CEO, Simon Williams, is engaged in a deadly game of Russian roulette with the environment, according to sources.

When not conspiring to fuck the Arctic Ocean and its marine inhabitants, Williams, 52, habitually selects the larger of the two flush buttons normally reserved for particularly stubborn turds.

Williams’ wastefulness costs the planet an extra 900 cubic metres of valuable water per year, enough to prevent cholera in a remote African village.

Experts claim that without the introduction of optional buttons for shit and piss scenarios , the planet would already be a parched barren desert, with the exception of Ireland.

In his defence, Williams said, “The larger button gives me greater reassurance. I can look down into the bowl knowing that a tinge of yellow isn’t going to be a problem for the subsequent user.”

“I have a large bladder, which expels great quantities of rancid urine, and the smaller button just doesn’t cut it, frankly,” he told us.

Meanwhile, environmental protestors have besieged Trap 3 at Shell’s London HQ and are currently lying on the floor pretending to be dead fish.

Last night negotiators were holding out hope for an eleventh hour deal, in which Williams is granted permission to plunder the arctic in exchange for using the smaller flush panel.

Greenpeace activist Charlie Heningmore said, “There is cause for optimism in that Williams has provisionally agreed to stop the wasteful practice of using toilet paper to muffle the sound his faeces make on contact with the water.”

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